Dormiens Vigila

December 21st 2018:

I produced an intense and definitive trance state after a prolonged period of meditation, exercise, study, and writing. Towards the end of the evening, I had been working on a follow-up to my article Paradigm Shift, and was reading Heisenberg’s Physics and Philosophy with increasing delight. I eventually had some wine and then went to bed around 1:20, but can’t say I ever went to sleep.

It has become apparent to me, that the concentration of what I can only think to call the vital power along the spine is crucial to understanding the phenomena that occur in my experiments.  I began hovering above my bed, or a projection of my entity began doing so, and started spinning rapidly as I was attempting to raise the concentrated vitality emerging from the base of my spine up into my heart using the breath. It, the vital power, had a buzzsaw like sound and feel to it, quite unpleasant to experience. This quality had occurred a few months ago as well and with greater unpleasantness. I seemed to be able to relax somehow this time, and domesticate the intensity of the vital surge.

I remember seeing vortices comprised of various colors as I gradually drew the power up with my breath, and knowing how perilous or apparently perilous these altered states can be, I yet took it in a heroic sense, taking the various sounds, images, and other sensations accompanying my experiment in my stride; not a small feat since I am aware of how frightening these experiments can turn out. I even challenged the warnings signaled by my mind ,or perhaps by other intelligences, as I progressed.

I believe this daring-do is connected to the encounter with the old hag I had earlier this year, and the general sense of having ‘leveled up’ after that episode. Perhaps I will record that story sometime, but briefly put it was the second time I ever met her in my 15 years of doing this; and I may have learned something the second time around about how to defend myself against the numerous kinds of hostile entities attracted to earthly sojourners into this hardly-known world alongside ours, wherein they reside.

However vigilant I was, I eventually got tricked by the sound of police sirens and the sound of a voice over a speaker near my house saying “the suspect was on foot”. I saw red and green lights – not red and blue – and I should have known better than to believe it corresponded to an actual situation in waking reality, especially since the lights were coming not only from outside but from an installed fixture in my room that doesn’t actually exist. At any rate, I relented and withdrew the power rising up my body and finally came to. The entire experience seemed to last about an hour and a half maybe two,  and eventually I got up to get a drink around 4 in the morning.

One other thing, there were apparently alien clown beings, and this seemed connected to the suspect on foot and the red and green lights. I am aware that on one hand, there were perhaps more than one of these clowns, and on the other hand that the suspect was a singular person, so I do not know why there seems to be this connection to them and the suspect in my mind, except that these beings were possibly responsible for the trick scenario entirely. It is difficult to describe how information is interpreted in that state to people who have not had it. Everything is much more emotionally laden and charged with power. While the senses are suspended or in any case registering unusual frequencies, it is as if the objects perceived are experienced more intensely, and with an immediate sense of what meaning they convey.

I almost went to my computer right away to document this experience; perhaps I should have… I may have gotten more insight with it fresh in my mind.  This is the second time I have encountered malevolent clowns this year, although the first time they were not perceived as being alien; demonic might be a more fitting description. The first time was fairly recent however, and very powerful. It might have happened a month ago, perhaps less than that.

The afterglow of this episode was accompanied by some strange things. You’re still kinda in that altered state upon awakening, and by awakening I mean a more active bodily state; to clarify, I am reminded of one of the illustration to Heinrich Khunrath’s alchemical master-work, The Amphitheater of Eternal Wisdom. The illustration, showing Khunrath in his oratory and laboratory, has a motto across the mantelpiece in the background, which says ‘Dormiens Vigila’;  meaning  ‘Asleep and Awake’, or ‘Awake in Sleep’. The goal is one of achieving a state of both simultaneously, so as to withdraw the vitality as in sleep and then be able to arrest and manipulate it from there.

Anyway,  at this point my senses had re-accustomed to ordinary life, and a very loud sound came unexpectedly from my kitchen stove, like something banged against the oven door. Not sure how or why that could have happened, and I cannot definitely say it was anything out of the ordinary… but still the timing was not conducive to being at ease, and I could not help but think of poltergeist activity.  Other unusual sounds seemed to dimly register, and a sense of unearthly dread came over me.  I was more stalwart as I brought the vital power up along my spine than I was dealing with the afterglow. I believe this is because my power to defend myself had retracted, and perhaps a momentary breach from this neighboring world resulted from my experiment. I was all alone in my home, so that didn’t help.

These states are such that it can be difficult to relate everything back to oneself. I try to be forthright about what I can recall and maintain neutrality of the correct interpretation as I progress. They are akin to the dream state and how hard they are to remember, however I would not place these phenomena as being totally identical to passive dreaming, but all the same along the spectrum of the gradations of consciousness….I suspect something deeper to these things than mere absurdity is all, tho I cannot prove such empirically.

OH! One more thing. A couple of years ago I was in this neither sleeping nor awake state when I began to hear this horrific, industrial like carnival music, like there was an infernal circus procession happening outside my house. I thought, ‘This is the music of Hell”. Rob Zombie mixed with circus music is an approximate comparison. What’s with this motif of demonic circuses and clowns? What about the alien bit?

To you dear reader, it may all seem completely delusory. Perhaps it is delusional, although I think not necessarily, however I do believe there is real danger in these experiments. I believe someone could go mad. But I feel as if I am on the frontier of mental experience with immense importance. It is also worth pointing out that they have not always been horrific, although the predominant majority have indeed been such. The remainder have made the struggle worth enduring. It is my conjecture that one must go through hell to get to heaven; Atwood seems to suggest this, and I interpret Vaughan’s Mystic Mountain allegory as conveying the same.

While these researches may seem impious, I should point out that prior to this experiment I was in a very elevated state and was occupied with entirely sincere notions without any translation of this exalted state into hubris. I juggled the connection between theoretic issues in physics with the alchemical theory of the ether, alongside the technical analysis of Christ within Boehme’s Signature of All Things. It is no superficial or inflated characterization of my state prior to this experiment, I can honestly  say I was preoccupied with considerations I feel impelled to as a fulfillment of my nature, without any sense of overinflated self-importance. I am well aware that my behavior fluctuates, and that I can fall short of my ideal, but in this instance I was reasonably approximate to it; in fact, for the entire duration of it I was absolutely intent on the importance of these experiments without any desire of personal gain, for I fear I may go astray.

I worry I ought not relate my results and speculations in the event some errant fool may seek to trifle without the proper motive. Much of my theory has been hard-won, and I do not wish to break the seal so diligently observed by my predecessors.  But I consider that much good can come from these confessions, and that perhaps someone more capable than I can bring them to a more refined conclusion. And so I must insist that any casual dilettante do not meddle in such things, but only an earnest philosopher of the antique mold, becomingly desirous to improve the clarity of the human condition.

“Our lives are indeed so involved with the body that its chief activity seems to be the unifying and focusing of the senses; and yet there come moments when this central power within us seems to withdraw into mysterious and remote levels of its own being and we feel as if we approached the verge of strange and startling possibilities. This nucleus, as we grow aware of it, seems connected with the body but at the same time seems to be something different from the body. Linked inseparably with the senses and using the senses, we yet experience an obscure but definite feeling that our consciousness is in touch with levels of reality beyond the visible world.”

Farewell.